I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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