I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I came so hard my ears popped.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
