I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my shit smells like andre
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
