Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
