You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
