Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
