i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
