well I can't set my house on fire every night
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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