wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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