fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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