Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
