wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Im part way to drunk.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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