Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
