the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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