she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
