I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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