They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
