Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
