Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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