I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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