You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
