I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
