I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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