You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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