You're so nebulous sometimes
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
