Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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