if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
