Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
