i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
