I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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