You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
