I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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