Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Vodka?
Forever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
