i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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