Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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