I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
