haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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