I have demons in me.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
