so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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