i wish peter jackson would direct porn
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
