Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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