He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
