PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
