The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
