I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just invented taco cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I smell like Dick and happiness
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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