the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
he just fucked me for my cheese..
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
