he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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