I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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