I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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