Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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