if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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