If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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