Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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