I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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