She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
