The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
