I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
