Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
