WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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